Why do we hate the scrunchie?

The scrunchie. An obsolete item in today’s world of fashion. Even normcore, the style that makes the unfashionable fashionable, hasn’t adopted the scrunchie. Why? What’s so bad about the scrunchie? Here are its five traits.

1. The scrunchie never breaks. It’s more reliable than a normal hairtie – has your scrunchie ever snapped in half? I think not. Its material casing prevents this from happening, meaning you can keep the old thing in your hair for years, letting it soak up those natural oils in your hair (because nobody ever thinks of washing a scrunchie). Mmm.

2. It’s more useful than a hairtie. Scrunchies seem to tie your hair up more securely than a hairtie. Maybe it’s the wider surface area covered by it, maybe it’s just because. But it’s much easier and quicker to whip up a top knot with a scrunchie than a hairtie.

3. Scrunchies can be a fashionable addition to your outfit. If you’re going for the 80s leg warmers plus sneakers plus tights plus a leotard plus a high pony tail style, a scrunchie is the finishing touch to this look. Add a scrunchie and BAM, you’re Madonna’s doppleganger.

4. Or, in contrast to number 3, scrunchies can tell the world that you just don’t care anymore. You put on your grey, chocolate stained track pants, you wear your holey bed socks with thongs or Crocs or god knows what, you wear your Backstreet Boys t-shirt (also stained with chocolate), and you tie your hair in a half up/half down do with that pink scrunchie that is as old as you. You’ve given up, people avoid looking at you and you become invisible to the world. Bingo.

5. Scrunchies are much easier to find/store than hairties. You simply can’t lose them. I’ve never lost my scrunchie because it’s patterned folds always shout at me from behind the lounge, “I’m here! Don’t forget me!” Faithful little thing.

See? They’re not so bad.

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